Hope in 2011

Wow... a new year already.

So much has changed I'm not even sure where to start.

As I write this I find myself, quite content with the way things are going for Diego and myself. Dec of 2009 I embarked on my own personal journey towards Classical Dressage, daring for once in my life to look past the local teaching I was getting and cast everything I found as irrelevant to my goals aside. I started to reach out, to learn on my own. About 8 months ago when I moved Diego to his current home we both embarked on an even stranger journey - one of building a relationship, a real one. Not just a "Hi I'm A and this is my horse who obeys me and loves me because I feed him." No, I wanted more, and having stumbled across Alexander Nevzorav, Carolyn Resnick and other liberty based trainers I knew the direction I wanted to go in. Since finding the Art of Natural Dressage community last summer, as well as being introduced to clicker-training Diego and I have made progress by leaps and bounds...

And what's more important is I find myself more and more...content.
I was thinking just the other day how much my own perceptions and expectations have taken a drastic turn in the past 6 months, and upon the realization - I was entirely pleased. Relieved even! It is so much better for one's overall health to NOT stress about things not worth stressing over!!!


But alittle explanation:

For countless years I rode the same routine. Same warm up, same cool down..same same same... mercilessly drilling laterals, shoulder-in, turn on forehand etc. Not because it was fun for me and Diego but because I had been taught it was necessary. Some days we executed everything with near perfection, others were (to me) a disaster. I thrive on perfection, on symmetry, on the little details being in-line. I guess you could say I have some OCD tendencies too. I also learned through what I saw and heard growing up, to dwell on the negative...unfortunately. It has been eating at my life ever since.

Any small victory in my work out with Diego was often over shadowed by a later, less desirable event. However small, it stuck in my proverbial craw and pestered me into negativity and sometimes into a horrible mood! Almost every day my trainer saw me ride she would ask me how Diego was. Most often her perception was he did very well. Very rarely was I enthusiastic about Diego's performance though. It was like any enthusiasm or positive exclamation or praise was strangled before it came out of my throat. To be honest sometimes I honestly think I am severely praise-challenged, lol. It is so easy for me to be negative, nothing is good enough. Always striving. It is what I know. Obviously this is ridiculous and it was unfair for Diego to bear this burden for so many years.

Lastnight in contrast, I babbled happily to the other boarder at our barn about our latest accomplishment (a short ride in the arena at dusk with absolutely no tack). I often have found myself happy to share the positive experiences with her and she is often happy to comment and share my enthusiasm. I quickly learned at this barn that no one cares about the technical aspects of 'finer riding' (including Dressage), they all simply want to feel happy and connected to their horses. Me going on about my frustrations over technical aspects got confused looks and often ended conversations. To find a way to share and engage other people I had to look outside of my own obsessive tendencies. I finally found some peace and with it contentment. Sure I have days where I am frustrated, dissapointed or even depressed over our inability to master a particular feat, but it is NOT every time I dismount anymore! My expectations have changed greatly. Diego no longer has to bear the burden of dealing with an emotionally sulky and dissatisfied human as well, and he is more free in what he offers me. Everything is more fresh... more exciting, more to look forward to.

Instead of going to the barn to de-stress, taking my frustration out on Diego, riding till I feel better, putting him up and going home (as was my old routine - hey I'm being honest) I now drop the stress as soon as I step out of my car. When I go to get him we meet and greet. Often he takes the time to tell me he's glad to see me with a nicker and trick(I usually carry a treat, but even so I imagine there is more to him offering a bunch of tricks for my viewing pleasure than just the one measly treat I give him). We spend alot of time doing what's fun for both of us... and even when we have our bad days there is usually SOMETHING I can come up with that helps redeem it.


***

I think I owe a great amount to the AND community for helping me think outside the box. It is a long process for some of us to change our ways and our thinking. I wanted to very much from the start - but wanting to and doing so are not the same. It has been a very safe, patient place for me to wait, watch, listen and experiment on a regular basis and I continue to learn daily.

My old self would find critical flaws in my current state: Diego and I are much less precise and disciplined than we used to be. Sometimes productivity is lost.
On the other hand I am getting to experience things I never even thought would happen...
My (formerly silent) horse talks to me on a constant basis - verbally with all sorts of tones, and he is exceedingly honest and sometimes harsh with me in communication (as I used to be with him). I have learned to appreciate that instead of taking offense or fearing "he doesn't respect me". He does respect me - enough to tell me the truth! Like "Hey! You're being a butt-head today!" hahaha...
He also listens to me, which blows me away. He checks on my emotional status on a regular basis through pheromone scent (long story will explain in future posts) and has actually taken steps to "protect' me on more than one occasion when a person upset me. He's often agitated and confused when I'm upset emotionally and he can't find an immediate agitator to separate me from. (poor guy doesn't quite understand I can be upset by internal sources)

All these things I never thought I would see with this horse. Stands to reason that there is even better stuff to come!

~ More later!