Somewhere a long the way this spring I lost my drive, my ambition and my enjoyment with Diego's fitness scheme. The weather was horrible Jan/Feb and by March he lost the muscle mass we’d worked so hard to build over the winter. April pretty much bombed due to circumstances beyond my control. Slowly, and resentfully: I started work back in May. The heat has not been helping either of us this summer. Due to age and Cushings he just can’t handle the temperature above 85+ right now. If it’s hot I pretty much have a wet noodle for a horse…
Aside from that, I’m currently working an extra job to help
pay bills and it’s slowly starting to suck the enjoyment out of horses. I’m
upset about this… I love horses – they’re
in my blood. I’ve always said that, and believed it 100%. I feel a stronger
connection with them than I do most other animals, being with them is as
natural as breathing.
Until now.
Now I struggle with too much anger and frustration. When
horses are a job and time is of the essence – things inevitably go wrong, and
finding extra reserves of patience is sometime seemingly impossible (patience
is not a virtue of mine away). I’ve noticed it’s becoming easier and easier to
block out every horses’ individuality, in favor of blame and standardized
behavioral expectations. It’s getting easier to yell, easier to see and assume
the negative in every little thing. It’s easier to be aggressive in the name of
“getting the job done” and that scares me. Suddenly I find myself wholly
relieved when I get to leave for the day and not deal with horses anymore.
This is wrong… it shouldn’t be like this. I feel like I’m
swimming upstream trying to get out of it.
*Sigh*
I bathed Diego the other day, in an attempt to do something
slightly frivolous with him, just for the sake of doing it. Admittedly I got a
thrill running my fingers over his clean, shiny coat yesterday. I miss that. It’s
been too long.
No comments:
Post a Comment