Can we...?

When he perked his ears and looked at me out of the corner of his eye, like "Where the hell have you been all night?" I felt guilty. When I unclipped him from the crossties and he nickered the next night, I felt guilty. When he stared at me with wrinkled eyebrows as we walked down the barn aisle lastnight, I felt guilty. And when he refused to eat his food and wanted his face petted instead I felt REALLY guilty.

~* * *~

I'm learning that care taking relationship are entirely different than your average relationships. When you have two equal beings who can do things for themselves & each other it balances out - you have someone else to help build you up when you need it.

Care taking isn't like that, the other individual may not be capable of helping you at ALL. Thus comes the challenge when you're on your last leg, clutching at your last bent & mangled straw: who's going to help YOU when you're down? And also while you're just stuck trying to survive and make sure everything is done on a daily basis: what happens to your relationship with that individual?



He's telling me we're missing out on our relationship. He's telling me he doesn't like it, he wants things to change. However subtle the side-eye might be - it means something.
To chose me over food has always been a huge thing, and to see it so incredibly voluntarily (he was literally standing in front of a bowl full of food) was shocking. And slightly heart breaking.

I haven't had the time to devote to 'us' lately, actually in a long time, really.


That needs to change. I'm rarely Present, I'm usually too far ahead or thinking about the past. One of my biggest hang ups. This journey has turned out to be as much about improving myself as it has about him.

We're linked like that I guess...