Getting Back to the Beginning

It’s Fall, and I’m having a day in introspection.

Despite the fact that Diego’s health struggles have been linked to this blog’s original subject matter (in the way that it’s suppressing his innate fire, spunk and opinions) – I feel like my thoughts and posts have drifted too far away from said subject.

I started this blog as a supplement to my diary on AND, where I waded through the new waters of self-introspection in my journey with Diego in an entirely NEW way of relating to each other. The entries complimented and added to the other. I haven’t been active on AND much during Diego’s sickness, being exhausted mentally – my creativity sapped. I need to get back to these roots though, that’s what this is all about.

Our relationship.
Discovery.
Who is he? Not the horse I knew and controlled for so many years, but who is the horse underneath?
What are his thoughts and desires free of past abuse and shoulder chips?

 I want to dig and find this. I still believe in empowering him to be everything he can be in his golden years, mentally, physically.

So I’m diving head first into an assessment of where we are right now, relationally:

Firstly, I’m a perfectionist, so everything I write about our encounters tends to be pushed through an unreasonable filter that forgets the good pieces and focuses on the bad. Writing this helps me though, as the blank space begs to be filled with words, I think of more good and the bad can’t possibly fill the whole void.

I don’t think we are where I wanted us to be.
That frustrates me immensely.  My obsession with linear progress says we should be super-tight buddies now, inseparable, trusting each other endlessly, except after particularly bad fights. This isn’t reality though.

Interestingly though, reality shows that I have a fairly confident social horse now. He has taken the whole arc from Self-confident Young Bully to Old Broken & Insecure to where he is now (which is somewhere in between). On a bad day he’s a terror that walks into his paddock and immediately starts chasing and biting anyone in his way – on a good day he plays and makes jokes with everyone. Bold and mischievous, he waltzes up to stall doors to whuffle, squeal, posture and play the ‘nipping game’ for minutes on end. In the pasture he sees the herd and willingly goes toward them instead of carefully and fearfully avoiding them. Sometimes I have to be a bit forceful keeping him from ‘investigating’ the pasture mares a bit too thoroughly (IE: nose up the butt & kicked in the face syndrome).

This is all good news. I wanted this. I wanted him to feel good in his own skin again. 

I wish this had transferred into a more trusting and confident role in his partnership with me, but it hasn’t and that leads me to my next topic...

I wanted a stronger bond with him at this point. There are too many times I feel that he would really rather leave me in the dust, that he’d rather be free of my hindrance or restraint or pressure. My pride falters at that, and that’s really what it boils down to. My Pride wants that result. Over Entitled Ego is such a HARD thing to kill! It feels like a blow to my humanity every time he wants to leave me. 

Wow… could it be that I’m becoming codependent with my horse?   

O.o   Ouch. What a revelation.

   I truly believe in the philosophy of training that frees and enables the horse to be and assert himself in healthy ways, but the downside and ‘in between the lines’ social rules of some of those communities can make one feel terrible about themselves at times. Especially if their horse wants to be away from them. In all technicality, if you’re doing everything right and the horse has had a chance to heal – he should want to be with you, so says the philosophy. I’m starting to think maybe this isn’t a comprehensive rule though. Maybe he is more complicated than I think, maybe he has issues I don’t understand and needs for independence that I don’t get. To acknowledge human needs for independence and autonomy and yet deny Diego and all horses that same thing seems… well… stupid, now that I think about it.

The small victories really shouldn’t be forgotten. Just yesterday we both had to confront some serious fears – and me both made it through unscathed:

   We were riding in the pasture when a semi truck pulled down the gravel road to the chicken houses, just outside the fence. Not a big deal really, I thought it’d be gone by the time we were done as that path also leads back to the barn! It wasn’t done…  (I am personally very sensitive and fearful of sudden loud noises and I’ve seen this truck there before. The engine stays running the whole time and I never know when it’s going to make those horrible hissing blasts that tractor trailers are known for. Not to mention all the other mechanical noises attached to it’s tasks). I REALLY did not want to go past this thing, but with it nearing dark – traipsing up the other gravel road to the actual ROAD seemed like a bad idea. People drive fast on our road and it’s a curve to boot.

Deep breath… let's try this.

So after checking to make sure the driver was nowhere NEAR the seat in the truck (I also have an instinctual fear the driver will drive off or back up at the most inopportune time and squash us), I slowly led Diego forward. He wasn’t anymore keen on the truck than I was, as he slowly and purposefully set each foot on the path, silently telling me he was ready to dance and/or bolt at any moment. I think his head resembled a Giraffe at that point (which is hilarious for a horse with such a low-set neck). He was wide eyed and snorty, but kept glancing past me at the path ahead of us. We had maybe 6 feet of space between us and the truck that we had to squeeze by in order to access the upper path. 

   Naturally as soon as I started this endeavor – leading the way with my brave self (sarcasm if you can’t tell), I came upon some blocks to my momentary bravery: there were metal foot steps leading up to the passenger door that stuck out, and an air compressor box on the side of the tank was MUCH louder than I’d anticipated. We were already 3-4 feet past the nose of the truck and I was suddenly having visions of Diego slicing legs open on those metal parts and of him trampling me in an effort to get away from the noise. The compressor noise really was painful, I couldn’t get past it without putting my fingers in my ears, which meant reins looped over my arm. Not entirely safe. I looked back at Diego, silently pleading with him to just trust me and follow me past without bolting. I ended up going by sideways, keeping an eye on him as we went. When it was Diego’s turn to pass the compressor, he took one long snort at it, lowered and arched his neck, kept his eyes on it and literally ‘stalked’ past it like a horsey equivalent to a big cat.

    I could not have been more proud or relieved once we got to the upper trail and headed away from the monstrous thing! There was a sense of partnership though, borne out of going through that, and I begin to realize it’s not just ‘doing everything right so he’ll always trust me” but just ‘going through things together’ and building that bond of life experience. I think I sheltered both of us for a time from these uncomfortable and sometimes terrifying experiences, robbing us of the knowledge that we can get through it together. 

Whew.

Writing about all this is extremely helpful. It helps me remember what I keep forgetting in life, relationships etc. It helps me keep hope and purpose in the midst of the angst and fights.

Always remember.

Optimistic

So here we are, in the very beginnings of fall. I came back from my yearly vacation and my driveway already has reddish brown leaves littering the pavement. I admittedly love summer more than anything, so the beginnings of fall are always a little sad for me. (I know, I'm weird!)

I don't think I could have imagined being at an 'ok' place in Diego's rehab last year at this time. The stresses of various events kept me from seeing very far into the future for so long. Yet, here we are, riding around - constantly active - a year later! I need not take for granted getting on his back and heading off for a ride. Never again.
 Last year at this time he was fresh out of a very bad laminitic attack and could barely walk. It was a solid 1.5 months before I even saw him willingly trot. :(
This year he is trotting around his drylot (albiet carefully because of the hard ground), mounting mares, cantering down barn aisles etc. He's absolutely full of himself. ;)


I will touch breifly on a few of the things we've been battling in August up till now though for catch up:

•  Thrush!

 I hate it, nasty stuff. I believe I mentioned being frustrated about Diego loosing some robustness in his frogs due to being stalled more than I would like nowdays. It finally occurred to me that part of the problem however, was thrush eating away at what had been healthy tissue. Apple Cider Vinegar wasn't touching it this time, and I'm out of my trusty Resolve spray - so I resorted to soaks. Lysol (diluted) to be exact. I made sure it was very mild and then stuck soaking boots on him for a good 20 minutes for 5 days straight. I was pretty pleased with the result - before I left on vacation his frogs had shed some nasty little flaps and grown harder and less "mushy" with the daily soaks and the occasional scraping black tissue away with a knife.

BTW, check this site out for tips on treating thrush. Linda Cowles has alot of useful resources!

•   PPID (Cushings) Seasonal Rise

Just another reason for me to be apprehensive about fall: it's the hardest time of the year for Cushings horses. Recent research has shown a documented (and in PPID - exaggerated) fall rise of the ACTH hormone which is heavily involved in the disease. Plain and simple this means that I will see more negative effects of Diego's disease from late Aug through Nov/Dec. The very first year he was diagnosed the biggest symptom was laminitis - worst case scenario. Other very typical symptoms include:

-More muscle wasting over topline, neck and ribs (appearance of weight loss)
-Large scale stubborn rainrot infections (back, butt - large areas)
-General lethargy
-Occasional symptoms like foot sensitivity and gastric ulcers (these don't always happen)

As you can see, it's a basket full of kittens to deal with this mess when the weather is getting cooler and all you really want to do is go outside and trail ride! Yuck...  I'm sure Diego feels similarly.

In our case though there is a key to battling the SR - I increase his medication through December. We did this last year and it really helped him remain perky and happy, despite recovering from severe laminitis. I remember by November he was a hot-aires-above-the-ground-MESS.  ;)
So this year I started increasing, but I think it was a bit late: I was already seeing sudden back muscle wasting in late August - I should have caught it sooner. After returning from vacation Tuesday I found him in an excellent mood. He seems to be doing quite well.


So with all of that said - we're back to where we began at the top of my post - a good place! My hopeful plan for the fall is to start serious trail riding. I met a new local friend over the summer who has volunteered to trailer me over to her place for rides, and another friend just bought a home in the mountains of north Georgia (complete with guest room - HAH!) so we may be traveling up there too!!! So much to do and see!


Stay tuned...

Annnd the Bad News (sorta)

I've managed to hit a few bumps along the recovery road here: some expected and one completely unexpected.

I've got a Monster of a horse again.

No seriously. A monster.
It first started when I was working on the pasture one evening. D's trot work had been good on the lunge and I figured it was time to see if he could do a little of it with me on his back. We'd trotted up a few hills, but nothing serious to that end. As soon as we started any formal trotting (meaning longer than a few hundred feet) it became apparent that maintaining a steady, reasonable speed was more difficult than I thought it should be. The first day, we managed to throw a front boot off! The second and third days I tried it, I realized my arms and torso were going to be sore and I was out of breath and shakey. It's not like I've had a lot of riding practice in the past few years... 

Against my better judgement, I moved us up to canter work shortly after the trotting began. The problem got significantly worse (which I should have seen coming)! Worse in the classic Diego fashion: gradually building sneak-speed until suddenly you realize you've advanced from a nice rolling canter to Warp Speed. Incidentally this is what used to terrify me about him as a child. I was a brave rider, but mostly because I knew tactics to "control' most runaways, I'd never dealt with a stealth runaway before. My tactics didn't work and if you got harsh right from the get-go in his canter you started a fight and ruined the ride, so I tried desperately for many years to learn to 'feel' those moments went he was pumping just a little more speed into it than necessary. I think all that concentration and anticipation of speed just made things worse. Cut to many years later and NOW, right in the middle of rehab my horse is running away with me and I'm having flashbacks again! Geez!

I had a serious bout of frustration/depression at the end of June. The cantering had now screwed up our entire ride, transitions - everything. I had a tense ball of horse ready to take off, even on the days we weren't doing any canter. Not to mention I was getting body sore from all the bracing. Hardly the stuff of dreams and fantasies, so I crashed. And then I reached out for help.... and incidentally right after doing so had a psych epiphany too:

My expectations (Surprise!!! THAT word again) were way out of whack for what rehab IS.
Time to get real and get to work.

After reaching out to a few of my AND friends we discussed various possibilities and solutions. At first I was obsessed with the cause, as I could only see a few possibilities:

• Pain (I of course immediately fear hoof pain, but joint and back pain are a possibility)
• True excitement/being too fit
•  Nervousness

 All of which are still possible, but my friends helped cut through the fog to give practical tips on helping alleviate my fears (and maybe his), while disrupting the rocket-launch issues.



I have goal specifics that keep me from using certain methods, so I wanted people that understood that A) we're staying bitless and B) I want to avoid fights & improper biomechanics/joint stress at all costs. With that in mind I got some really insightful tips from my friends. I've been trying then here and there, but admittedly I've also just been walking him a lot. I'm definitely not ready for full trot work yet - my body just isn't in shape and when I get weak and shaky - I get scared and freeze up nowdays. I do feel more confident now though. We've had a few nice short canter stints now that I'm riding with a saddle more, but my old inability to sit the canter has come back so that's another thing I'll have to work out later! For now it's 2-point as much as possible to keep from banging on his back.
 

Hopefully one of these days I'll have a helper to take actual pictures of me riding too... I am dying to see how D looks from ground perspective during all this!


One interesting sidenote is the condition/treatment of Diego's legs:
I had been concerned about what I thought was actual tendon swelling on the insides of his front legs, between the 2 tendons. It at times gets "puffy" with moveable fluid in there. I had our barn manager (who knows a lot more about tendon ailments than myself) take a look and feel one day. After talking about it she said she felt like really there was no tendon problem if they aren't warm and he's not lame (nope). She felt that the arthritis in his fetlocks is causing the fluid back up and the 'swelling' I'm feeling is basically a form of stocking up. This would make sense considering I've felt it more the day after we've had hard workouts, and he's stall bound overnight.
I also noticed D is hitting the insides of his fetlock joints with his hooves. :(  Considering the joints are already inflamed, I doubt the concussion is helping. I explored the idea of fetlock boots for protection but considering how much they stick out I was honestly afraid they'd get hit and twisted alot. I found some cheap "track" bandages at the feed store (I didn't want the heat of polos) and decided to give them a try. WOW - does wrapping every help! I do a simple exercise wrap that just barely covers the fetlock on the insides. Not only does it seem to help with the interfering, but his legs are TIGHT after work! The fluid build up all but disappears, it's wonderful!