Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Depression

I've got several posts queued up and ready to go - minus pictures...   but they've never been posted.

Somewhere a long the way this spring I lost my drive, my ambition and my enjoyment with Diego's fitness scheme. The weather was horrible Jan/Feb and by March he lost the muscle mass we’d worked so hard to build over the winter. April pretty much bombed due to circumstances beyond my control. Slowly, and resentfully: I started work back in May. The heat has not been helping either of us this summer. Due to age and Cushings he just can’t handle the temperature above 85+ right now. If it’s hot I pretty much have a wet noodle for a horse…

Aside from that, I’m currently working an extra job to help pay bills and it’s slowly starting to suck the enjoyment out of horses. I’m upset about this… I love horses – they’re in my blood. I’ve always said that, and believed it 100%. I feel a stronger connection with them than I do most other animals, being with them is as natural as breathing. 

Until now.

Now I struggle with too much anger and frustration. When horses are a job and time is of the essence – things inevitably go wrong, and finding extra reserves of patience is sometime seemingly impossible (patience is not a virtue of mine away). I’ve noticed it’s becoming easier and easier to block out every horses’ individuality, in favor of blame and standardized behavioral expectations. It’s getting easier to yell, easier to see and assume the negative in every little thing. It’s easier to be aggressive in the name of “getting the job done” and that scares me. Suddenly I find myself wholly relieved when I get to leave for the day and not deal with horses anymore.

This is wrong… it shouldn’t be like this. I feel like I’m swimming upstream trying to get out of it.  *Sigh*



I bathed Diego the other day, in an attempt to do something slightly frivolous with him, just for the sake of doing it. Admittedly I got a thrill running my fingers over his clean, shiny coat yesterday. I miss that. It’s been too long.

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