I was thinking about this blog the other day, thinking what I originally wanted to accomplish with it, and how that has taken a long, windy detour.
In 2010 and 2011 I got a hint... a taste at training 'high school' dressage, with an older, cynical horse. I got a taste of a better relationship - a soulful partnership and a couple big lessons in humility and ego reduction.
2011 & 2012 were more about me, in an odd sense. Granted Diego was still in the picture, but being sick and constantly in rehab put the burden on me to be the protector/advocate/caretaker. This has drawn on every fiber of my emotional and physical being. I have sat and cried, screamed, shamefully had complete temper tantrums, and laid in bed with the awful guilt and crushing depression that comes from growing angry and resentful at the very being you are trying to save from death... Everything in my life, EVERYTHING has taken a backseat to him since August 2011. Finances have dwindled down to nothing and I find myself struggling even now to get my head above water. A somewhat harsh way for Fate to force me to grow up, but effective none the less. I have come so far in my ability to care-take and be a confident advocate. We just switched barns, again (yes we're both getting tired of this) and I recently reflected on old emails to our old barn owner. I was a totally different person last January. So many unknowns, and so indecisive in the face of uncertainty. I had significant trouble holding my own against the judgement, opinions and also honest questions of others, I spent excessive amounts of time verbally mulling over Diego's various conditions, possible solutions, etc. and quite frankly confused alot of people in the process! I've learned how to better convey information now, as well as how frequently I need to reevaluate processes and situations for profitable results. I'm not the shaky, scared person I was a year ago, cautiously looking for a better year: I didn't get one anyway. I got a year of all NEW problems, 2 medical crashes etc. on top of the same 'ol issues we were already dealing with. Now however, I'm done with holding my breath and crossing my fingers in hopes more bad things don't happen. I've decided that bad things will happen: and when they do [this] is what I'm going to do about it - and that's that. For everything else? There's a little blue pill that starts with and F ~ I can take a good dose of that. ;)
So aside from getting a firm boot to the rear by Fate along the road of growth... did I mention how much I've learned?
- In a year's time I've done a 7 month apprenticeship under a local barefoot trimmer, with aspirations to start my own business.
- I'm also completing my first class on equine nutrition, with aspirations to do nutrition on the side.
I remain surprised and even humbled today thinking about it. It wasn't so long ago that I was the one uncertain, scared, frustrated... needing my questions answered.
I think here would be a good place to put a plug for the group that helped me get through the darkest parts of Diego's disease and recovery:
Dr. Eleanor Kellon & Robin Siskel's group for Cushings and Insulin Resistant horses:
http://pets.groups.yahoo.com/group/EquineCushings/
Through this group I also met another woman locally with a similar story to myself and Diego. Her support has meant the world to me when I felt like nobody else understood how hard this battle can be.
So here's to 2013... another new beginning. Hopefully this time, we're on the way to being better than ever!
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