The past 4 years of my ‘horse life’ really fell apart for me, it’s only been in the past year that it’s started coming together again.
Tailbone surgery kept me from riding for good 6-9 months in 04/05. A big blow considering I feel more natural on Diego’s back than I do on my own legs, his legs have become mine over the years and although we fought a lot, I took for granted just how one minded we had become in locomotion. The time after I began to ride again was an agonizing few years of only being able to ride once a week. His barn was an hour and fifteen minutes from my house, and with the new responsibilities of a job it was too much. About 2 years ago I allowed a woman to ride him in dressage lessons, mostly walk trot, with my trainer. While everyone else was very for this, I wasn’t, although I agreed to it. I trusted my trainer to pick a confident, gentle rider for him, since she was the one who had finally broken my shell and challenged ME to be more patient and gentle with him over the years. It’s just that we had become so one…. The idea of another woman getting in the middle of it was a constant irritant. Would you give your 12 year partner easily to another person? All my life, I was the kid who had a way with one horse or another, and usually once I’d built a bond with said horse other people then took advantage of it or took the horse away completely thinking it was “fixed”, instead of stopping to observe the relationship and mimic it on their own. =( While I knew I was still his life partner, days at work sitting at a desk while D was being ridden by someone else weighed heavily on me. Diego’s response to my aids grew more dull and I could tell he was confused at times. My usual routine wasn’t the same as what he was used to twice a week, and yet I was signaling the same way I had for years. I had serious emotional problems with this muddled confusion and grew depressed. I have no doubt the extra work was good for him but I often frequently wondered what was going on inside him, confusion? Abandonment? Fear of changing ownership? Happiness? I’ll never know, I never saw the woman ride him and saw the look on his face.
Unfortunately our barn was hit with an enormous flood because of pipes breaking in a close by water treatment plant less than a year ago. My friend’s horse was killed along with another newer one. Diego survived uninjured, along with the rest of the barn and were found the next morning in chest deep water. They were quickly relocated to a rescue barn and kept in stall for 2 weeks. Upon moving them back home after flood clean up there was still no fencing so the horses were kept in most of the time as the few small paddocks roped off had to be rotated between nearly 10 horses. Diego became crabby and depressed as well as his weight started dropping. I wanted him closer to me, and this seemed like the right time, so after 10 years I moved him from his old home. We moved to a very small barn located close to home and I spent the winter getting reacquainted with him....
I didn’t feel like he didn’t know me, but I wanted to reestablish the old bond and make it stronger than ever. When most people are bundled up inside hoping for spring to ride, I was out in the cold riding through rain, slush and ice on him (the latter being interesting, he nearly went down with me after a bucking fit landed him on a patch of ice).
I started studying the popular Natural Horsemanship as soon as I arrived. The new barn owner was a big fan and promoted it and I liked the kinder way of handling the horses instead of simply hitting them, like I’d been taught years ago. Diego showed progress with his pushiness on the ground after dealing with the owner on a regular basis (feeding/turnout). In my studies and in talking with the man though, I noticed I was being encouraged strongly to stop some of Diego’s more rare behavior like grooming me (which had taken him years to do as he used to not trust interacting with humans during grooming, he’s been hit in the head a lot for his habit of being mouthy). And also his habit of kicking out when being lunged. Both things are met with strong opposition in the NH world and seen as immediate disrespect to the human. I had noticed that lack of respect for me in general seemed to be one of Diego’s problems. Something didn’t feel right though… I worked so hard to build a trusting relationship between us and still punish the kicking outbursts. Sometimes it didn’t seem worth it – like when I’d let him loose in the ring to run off some steam and he’d end up bucking and kicking halfway to the otherside. Other times direct kicks at me (usually after a directional or driving aid) seemed very appropriate for punishment. My method of growling at him and chasing him mercilessly around for a good 3 minutes afterwards though never seemed to really fix the situation though. It only made him snort and prance or run around obediently until I got tired. I swear sometimes he acted like it was a game. O.o I started to see that really he wasn’t making the connection between kicking out and my “punishment”, but I didn’t feel making physical contact with him over the issue was a good idea either, even though inside I really wanted to lash out at him like he had me.
But on our more successful issues, and journey I discovered a lot of things:
*Rhythmic preassure was a better way to get a response from him, constant preassure is something he seems to despise enough to ignore or constantly fight and he will either A) win or B) make me tired and miserable in the process.
*I had too much of a “schedule” mind, Surprise surprise…just like my mother. I always had these expectations of our “ride time” that needed to be met for my happiness and I always had a routine, rarely did anything different.
*I rode in a way that was most convenient for me.
*The way I was riding and doing things was not only making Diego bored, but had lost his interest in our time together period.
*I was way too focused on my agenda and not flexible enough to go with the moment. I’m learning now how to play: get on, get off, get on again…staying in the saddle gets stale - switch our program up. Run on the ground alittle… ride alittle. One of the very first things I started several years ago was cooling him out off his back – us just walking side by side. I believe it makes things more comfortable for him. =)
Many experiences have influenced my goals and current path/philosophy, they include things like trainers Thomas Ritter, Brent Branderup, Klaus H. etc, seeing performances like the Spanish Riding School & Cavalia… but my philosophy side was tickled & convicted when I read about a very controversial trainer Alexander Nevzorav. His words that the horse should be free to exist without the dominant imposing will of humans struck at the heart of who I am and my Christian beliefs. I had to reexamine all my years with horses and my motives, were they me-based or loving-selfless-giving-based like Jesus asks of me? For I truly believe Jesus intends his followers to treat animals with the kindness and respect we want as well, for they are all God’s creation and respecting & caring for them is as if we were doing it to Him. I have seen many Christians use the line of “God gave 'dominion' over the animals to Adam” as an excuse for unfair treatment to animals for their own happiness and enjoyment. Under the teachings that Jesus brought to us though I can no longer accept that reason as valid in my own life though. Nevzorav bluntly calls people out for our own selfish motives and behavior towards horses… causing pain to control them, wishing to reduce their fire for our convenience, riding for our own pleasure only and thus blinding ourselves to any possible discomfort the horse experiences. His goal to bring out the fire in his own horses fascinated me and also made me wary, I was beginning to realize I lack the intuition at the moment to safely handle that much power. This realization brought to light just how magnificent and powerful horses are. The majesty of such a fierce animal was brought back to life in my mind again, something I hadn’t experienced since childhood. Where along the lines had I become desensitized into thinking they were just beasts we should control? I also watched his videos in confusion seeing his horses run, buck, rear, strike and kick at will. In any NH training this would be considered severe disrespect and yet Nevzorav called it playing. I realize now the complexities of when a horse is playing Vs. when they are truly a danger to me is something I don’t have a grasp on yet. I have a long road ahead of me, the realization was humbling and depressing.
Since this realization I have spent the past 6 months struggling and floundering in a muddy pond (that's what it feels like) of uncertainty.
I have studied as much as I can about a horses natural enviroment and made changes in Diego's best interests. Honestly some have been more of an adjustment for me than him! Like moving him to pasture only...
I've also changed alot of how I interact with him: I tie him less, I let him follow me where ever. I let him loose in large spaces more often for our work. I ride shorter amounts of time and often bareback (due to an ill fitting saddle). But sometimes I still feel lost standing on the ground staring at him. I have dozens of horse friends and trainers around me willing to "help" guide me at the drop of a hat. But I'm not as trusting as I once was, and I see ego pop out of every dark corner, no matter how small... I know the path I want to take with my horses from now on, and I have found so many horse people all over the world who feel the same, yet finding someone I trust to guide me has not happened. Yet. Maybe it will when the time is right, or maybe this is something I'm supposed to do on my own... watch an observe until I know who Diego truly is.
Well... here's to watching.
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