Getting Back to the Beginning

It’s Fall, and I’m having a day in introspection.

Despite the fact that Diego’s health struggles have been linked to this blog’s original subject matter (in the way that it’s suppressing his innate fire, spunk and opinions) – I feel like my thoughts and posts have drifted too far away from said subject.

I started this blog as a supplement to my diary on AND, where I waded through the new waters of self-introspection in my journey with Diego in an entirely NEW way of relating to each other. The entries complimented and added to the other. I haven’t been active on AND much during Diego’s sickness, being exhausted mentally – my creativity sapped. I need to get back to these roots though, that’s what this is all about.

Our relationship.
Discovery.
Who is he? Not the horse I knew and controlled for so many years, but who is the horse underneath?
What are his thoughts and desires free of past abuse and shoulder chips?

 I want to dig and find this. I still believe in empowering him to be everything he can be in his golden years, mentally, physically.

So I’m diving head first into an assessment of where we are right now, relationally:

Firstly, I’m a perfectionist, so everything I write about our encounters tends to be pushed through an unreasonable filter that forgets the good pieces and focuses on the bad. Writing this helps me though, as the blank space begs to be filled with words, I think of more good and the bad can’t possibly fill the whole void.

I don’t think we are where I wanted us to be.
That frustrates me immensely.  My obsession with linear progress says we should be super-tight buddies now, inseparable, trusting each other endlessly, except after particularly bad fights. This isn’t reality though.

Interestingly though, reality shows that I have a fairly confident social horse now. He has taken the whole arc from Self-confident Young Bully to Old Broken & Insecure to where he is now (which is somewhere in between). On a bad day he’s a terror that walks into his paddock and immediately starts chasing and biting anyone in his way – on a good day he plays and makes jokes with everyone. Bold and mischievous, he waltzes up to stall doors to whuffle, squeal, posture and play the ‘nipping game’ for minutes on end. In the pasture he sees the herd and willingly goes toward them instead of carefully and fearfully avoiding them. Sometimes I have to be a bit forceful keeping him from ‘investigating’ the pasture mares a bit too thoroughly (IE: nose up the butt & kicked in the face syndrome).

This is all good news. I wanted this. I wanted him to feel good in his own skin again. 

I wish this had transferred into a more trusting and confident role in his partnership with me, but it hasn’t and that leads me to my next topic...

I wanted a stronger bond with him at this point. There are too many times I feel that he would really rather leave me in the dust, that he’d rather be free of my hindrance or restraint or pressure. My pride falters at that, and that’s really what it boils down to. My Pride wants that result. Over Entitled Ego is such a HARD thing to kill! It feels like a blow to my humanity every time he wants to leave me. 

Wow… could it be that I’m becoming codependent with my horse?   

O.o   Ouch. What a revelation.

   I truly believe in the philosophy of training that frees and enables the horse to be and assert himself in healthy ways, but the downside and ‘in between the lines’ social rules of some of those communities can make one feel terrible about themselves at times. Especially if their horse wants to be away from them. In all technicality, if you’re doing everything right and the horse has had a chance to heal – he should want to be with you, so says the philosophy. I’m starting to think maybe this isn’t a comprehensive rule though. Maybe he is more complicated than I think, maybe he has issues I don’t understand and needs for independence that I don’t get. To acknowledge human needs for independence and autonomy and yet deny Diego and all horses that same thing seems… well… stupid, now that I think about it.

The small victories really shouldn’t be forgotten. Just yesterday we both had to confront some serious fears – and me both made it through unscathed:

   We were riding in the pasture when a semi truck pulled down the gravel road to the chicken houses, just outside the fence. Not a big deal really, I thought it’d be gone by the time we were done as that path also leads back to the barn! It wasn’t done…  (I am personally very sensitive and fearful of sudden loud noises and I’ve seen this truck there before. The engine stays running the whole time and I never know when it’s going to make those horrible hissing blasts that tractor trailers are known for. Not to mention all the other mechanical noises attached to it’s tasks). I REALLY did not want to go past this thing, but with it nearing dark – traipsing up the other gravel road to the actual ROAD seemed like a bad idea. People drive fast on our road and it’s a curve to boot.

Deep breath… let's try this.

So after checking to make sure the driver was nowhere NEAR the seat in the truck (I also have an instinctual fear the driver will drive off or back up at the most inopportune time and squash us), I slowly led Diego forward. He wasn’t anymore keen on the truck than I was, as he slowly and purposefully set each foot on the path, silently telling me he was ready to dance and/or bolt at any moment. I think his head resembled a Giraffe at that point (which is hilarious for a horse with such a low-set neck). He was wide eyed and snorty, but kept glancing past me at the path ahead of us. We had maybe 6 feet of space between us and the truck that we had to squeeze by in order to access the upper path. 

   Naturally as soon as I started this endeavor – leading the way with my brave self (sarcasm if you can’t tell), I came upon some blocks to my momentary bravery: there were metal foot steps leading up to the passenger door that stuck out, and an air compressor box on the side of the tank was MUCH louder than I’d anticipated. We were already 3-4 feet past the nose of the truck and I was suddenly having visions of Diego slicing legs open on those metal parts and of him trampling me in an effort to get away from the noise. The compressor noise really was painful, I couldn’t get past it without putting my fingers in my ears, which meant reins looped over my arm. Not entirely safe. I looked back at Diego, silently pleading with him to just trust me and follow me past without bolting. I ended up going by sideways, keeping an eye on him as we went. When it was Diego’s turn to pass the compressor, he took one long snort at it, lowered and arched his neck, kept his eyes on it and literally ‘stalked’ past it like a horsey equivalent to a big cat.

    I could not have been more proud or relieved once we got to the upper trail and headed away from the monstrous thing! There was a sense of partnership though, borne out of going through that, and I begin to realize it’s not just ‘doing everything right so he’ll always trust me” but just ‘going through things together’ and building that bond of life experience. I think I sheltered both of us for a time from these uncomfortable and sometimes terrifying experiences, robbing us of the knowledge that we can get through it together. 

Whew.

Writing about all this is extremely helpful. It helps me remember what I keep forgetting in life, relationships etc. It helps me keep hope and purpose in the midst of the angst and fights.

Always remember.

Playing with Shoulder In

I thought I would write alittle this morning about something I have been experimenting with lately with Diego: the Shoulder In.

As you may know we come from a Dressage background so related movements are familiar to us both. I have neglected most movements though for the past 6 months in an attempt to spend more time focusing on exploration, experimentation and my own learning through feel instead of head knowledge. As time goes by it is clear though that it’s time to start working these movements into our workouts and regular fun time: Diego needs the physical benefits such exercises provide. The building of the ab, hip and haunch muscles, the extending of the hind legs & careful weight loading, balance practice etc

.

In the world of dressage often as my old trainer used to say we complicate movements by studying each individual aid instead of the movement as a whole. I can say personally this was true for me and tends to “freeze” me as a rider… I stop riding because my brain and body can’t keep up/communicate. Then Diego stops because I froze… uhg.  One of the first people to help me unravel these dressage movements was Art of Natural Dressage founder, Josepha Guillaume  (www.josepha.info/ ) 

I believe her first comment was to not over-think things… just feel.  Feel what the horse does and try experiments with your body to see how he reacts. Secondly she says to simply make your body do what you wish the horses body to do: for instance turn your shoulders inwards for Shoulder In, keep your hips straight since that’s the goal of the movement.  This made absolute sense, by mirroring body movements I could eliminate the noise in my brain about “Do this do that”. 

The last week I was reading JP Giacomini’s blog (www.equus-academy.com) and found an entry on the “Aids for Shoulder In”. I would quote the specifics if I could remember them, but basically I came away with the idea to try weight experiments using my stirrups. So when riding Diego at the walk I attempted Shoulder In as usual, my shoulder turned in alittle, my inside leg swinging freely with his barrel and pressing lightly as the barrel swung towards the outside (that times your leg with his legs properly). This time I very carefully stepped into the outside stirrup a bit. I don’t normally keep weight in my stirrups much at the walk… it’s just how I ride, for better or worse, but this stepping into the stirrup made a HUGE difference! Diego fairly glided sideways suddenly!  O.O  3 steps in a row, body bent, crossing his legs over – and I could FEEL it. I am finally learning to feel the difference in his body when he walks like that!

This really made me realize just how important proper weight signals are. Diego had been waiting all along for me to give him a signal that made sense, apparently that shift of weight was exactly what he needed. 

   Yesterday I experimented a bit more with weight aids while riding. We had a brief trot around the arena to burn off some energy (we’ve had a COLD snap here! Brrrrr) and then a lap or 2 of canter both directions. I found the weight thing most helpful at the canter around curves. D is quite weak and unbalanced at the canter right now and leans terribly (for him atleast). No amount of lifting and releasing the inside rein gets him off his inside shoulder. I found it helped him significantly if I made sure my weight as very slightly to the outside stirrup (but not so much that my body was crooked!) and my inside leg rested firmly against his ribs as an aid to support him.

Definitely something I will continue to play with.

Hope in 2011

Wow... a new year already.

So much has changed I'm not even sure where to start.

As I write this I find myself, quite content with the way things are going for Diego and myself. Dec of 2009 I embarked on my own personal journey towards Classical Dressage, daring for once in my life to look past the local teaching I was getting and cast everything I found as irrelevant to my goals aside. I started to reach out, to learn on my own. About 8 months ago when I moved Diego to his current home we both embarked on an even stranger journey - one of building a relationship, a real one. Not just a "Hi I'm A and this is my horse who obeys me and loves me because I feed him." No, I wanted more, and having stumbled across Alexander Nevzorav, Carolyn Resnick and other liberty based trainers I knew the direction I wanted to go in. Since finding the Art of Natural Dressage community last summer, as well as being introduced to clicker-training Diego and I have made progress by leaps and bounds...

And what's more important is I find myself more and more...content.
I was thinking just the other day how much my own perceptions and expectations have taken a drastic turn in the past 6 months, and upon the realization - I was entirely pleased. Relieved even! It is so much better for one's overall health to NOT stress about things not worth stressing over!!!


But alittle explanation:

For countless years I rode the same routine. Same warm up, same cool down..same same same... mercilessly drilling laterals, shoulder-in, turn on forehand etc. Not because it was fun for me and Diego but because I had been taught it was necessary. Some days we executed everything with near perfection, others were (to me) a disaster. I thrive on perfection, on symmetry, on the little details being in-line. I guess you could say I have some OCD tendencies too. I also learned through what I saw and heard growing up, to dwell on the negative...unfortunately. It has been eating at my life ever since.

Any small victory in my work out with Diego was often over shadowed by a later, less desirable event. However small, it stuck in my proverbial craw and pestered me into negativity and sometimes into a horrible mood! Almost every day my trainer saw me ride she would ask me how Diego was. Most often her perception was he did very well. Very rarely was I enthusiastic about Diego's performance though. It was like any enthusiasm or positive exclamation or praise was strangled before it came out of my throat. To be honest sometimes I honestly think I am severely praise-challenged, lol. It is so easy for me to be negative, nothing is good enough. Always striving. It is what I know. Obviously this is ridiculous and it was unfair for Diego to bear this burden for so many years.

Lastnight in contrast, I babbled happily to the other boarder at our barn about our latest accomplishment (a short ride in the arena at dusk with absolutely no tack). I often have found myself happy to share the positive experiences with her and she is often happy to comment and share my enthusiasm. I quickly learned at this barn that no one cares about the technical aspects of 'finer riding' (including Dressage), they all simply want to feel happy and connected to their horses. Me going on about my frustrations over technical aspects got confused looks and often ended conversations. To find a way to share and engage other people I had to look outside of my own obsessive tendencies. I finally found some peace and with it contentment. Sure I have days where I am frustrated, dissapointed or even depressed over our inability to master a particular feat, but it is NOT every time I dismount anymore! My expectations have changed greatly. Diego no longer has to bear the burden of dealing with an emotionally sulky and dissatisfied human as well, and he is more free in what he offers me. Everything is more fresh... more exciting, more to look forward to.

Instead of going to the barn to de-stress, taking my frustration out on Diego, riding till I feel better, putting him up and going home (as was my old routine - hey I'm being honest) I now drop the stress as soon as I step out of my car. When I go to get him we meet and greet. Often he takes the time to tell me he's glad to see me with a nicker and trick(I usually carry a treat, but even so I imagine there is more to him offering a bunch of tricks for my viewing pleasure than just the one measly treat I give him). We spend alot of time doing what's fun for both of us... and even when we have our bad days there is usually SOMETHING I can come up with that helps redeem it.


***

I think I owe a great amount to the AND community for helping me think outside the box. It is a long process for some of us to change our ways and our thinking. I wanted to very much from the start - but wanting to and doing so are not the same. It has been a very safe, patient place for me to wait, watch, listen and experiment on a regular basis and I continue to learn daily.

My old self would find critical flaws in my current state: Diego and I are much less precise and disciplined than we used to be. Sometimes productivity is lost.
On the other hand I am getting to experience things I never even thought would happen...
My (formerly silent) horse talks to me on a constant basis - verbally with all sorts of tones, and he is exceedingly honest and sometimes harsh with me in communication (as I used to be with him). I have learned to appreciate that instead of taking offense or fearing "he doesn't respect me". He does respect me - enough to tell me the truth! Like "Hey! You're being a butt-head today!" hahaha...
He also listens to me, which blows me away. He checks on my emotional status on a regular basis through pheromone scent (long story will explain in future posts) and has actually taken steps to "protect' me on more than one occasion when a person upset me. He's often agitated and confused when I'm upset emotionally and he can't find an immediate agitator to separate me from. (poor guy doesn't quite understand I can be upset by internal sources)

All these things I never thought I would see with this horse. Stands to reason that there is even better stuff to come!

~ More later!