Getting Back to the Beginning

It’s Fall, and I’m having a day in introspection.

Despite the fact that Diego’s health struggles have been linked to this blog’s original subject matter (in the way that it’s suppressing his innate fire, spunk and opinions) – I feel like my thoughts and posts have drifted too far away from said subject.

I started this blog as a supplement to my diary on AND, where I waded through the new waters of self-introspection in my journey with Diego in an entirely NEW way of relating to each other. The entries complimented and added to the other. I haven’t been active on AND much during Diego’s sickness, being exhausted mentally – my creativity sapped. I need to get back to these roots though, that’s what this is all about.

Our relationship.
Discovery.
Who is he? Not the horse I knew and controlled for so many years, but who is the horse underneath?
What are his thoughts and desires free of past abuse and shoulder chips?

 I want to dig and find this. I still believe in empowering him to be everything he can be in his golden years, mentally, physically.

So I’m diving head first into an assessment of where we are right now, relationally:

Firstly, I’m a perfectionist, so everything I write about our encounters tends to be pushed through an unreasonable filter that forgets the good pieces and focuses on the bad. Writing this helps me though, as the blank space begs to be filled with words, I think of more good and the bad can’t possibly fill the whole void.

I don’t think we are where I wanted us to be.
That frustrates me immensely.  My obsession with linear progress says we should be super-tight buddies now, inseparable, trusting each other endlessly, except after particularly bad fights. This isn’t reality though.

Interestingly though, reality shows that I have a fairly confident social horse now. He has taken the whole arc from Self-confident Young Bully to Old Broken & Insecure to where he is now (which is somewhere in between). On a bad day he’s a terror that walks into his paddock and immediately starts chasing and biting anyone in his way – on a good day he plays and makes jokes with everyone. Bold and mischievous, he waltzes up to stall doors to whuffle, squeal, posture and play the ‘nipping game’ for minutes on end. In the pasture he sees the herd and willingly goes toward them instead of carefully and fearfully avoiding them. Sometimes I have to be a bit forceful keeping him from ‘investigating’ the pasture mares a bit too thoroughly (IE: nose up the butt & kicked in the face syndrome).

This is all good news. I wanted this. I wanted him to feel good in his own skin again. 

I wish this had transferred into a more trusting and confident role in his partnership with me, but it hasn’t and that leads me to my next topic...

I wanted a stronger bond with him at this point. There are too many times I feel that he would really rather leave me in the dust, that he’d rather be free of my hindrance or restraint or pressure. My pride falters at that, and that’s really what it boils down to. My Pride wants that result. Over Entitled Ego is such a HARD thing to kill! It feels like a blow to my humanity every time he wants to leave me. 

Wow… could it be that I’m becoming codependent with my horse?   

O.o   Ouch. What a revelation.

   I truly believe in the philosophy of training that frees and enables the horse to be and assert himself in healthy ways, but the downside and ‘in between the lines’ social rules of some of those communities can make one feel terrible about themselves at times. Especially if their horse wants to be away from them. In all technicality, if you’re doing everything right and the horse has had a chance to heal – he should want to be with you, so says the philosophy. I’m starting to think maybe this isn’t a comprehensive rule though. Maybe he is more complicated than I think, maybe he has issues I don’t understand and needs for independence that I don’t get. To acknowledge human needs for independence and autonomy and yet deny Diego and all horses that same thing seems… well… stupid, now that I think about it.

The small victories really shouldn’t be forgotten. Just yesterday we both had to confront some serious fears – and me both made it through unscathed:

   We were riding in the pasture when a semi truck pulled down the gravel road to the chicken houses, just outside the fence. Not a big deal really, I thought it’d be gone by the time we were done as that path also leads back to the barn! It wasn’t done…  (I am personally very sensitive and fearful of sudden loud noises and I’ve seen this truck there before. The engine stays running the whole time and I never know when it’s going to make those horrible hissing blasts that tractor trailers are known for. Not to mention all the other mechanical noises attached to it’s tasks). I REALLY did not want to go past this thing, but with it nearing dark – traipsing up the other gravel road to the actual ROAD seemed like a bad idea. People drive fast on our road and it’s a curve to boot.

Deep breath… let's try this.

So after checking to make sure the driver was nowhere NEAR the seat in the truck (I also have an instinctual fear the driver will drive off or back up at the most inopportune time and squash us), I slowly led Diego forward. He wasn’t anymore keen on the truck than I was, as he slowly and purposefully set each foot on the path, silently telling me he was ready to dance and/or bolt at any moment. I think his head resembled a Giraffe at that point (which is hilarious for a horse with such a low-set neck). He was wide eyed and snorty, but kept glancing past me at the path ahead of us. We had maybe 6 feet of space between us and the truck that we had to squeeze by in order to access the upper path. 

   Naturally as soon as I started this endeavor – leading the way with my brave self (sarcasm if you can’t tell), I came upon some blocks to my momentary bravery: there were metal foot steps leading up to the passenger door that stuck out, and an air compressor box on the side of the tank was MUCH louder than I’d anticipated. We were already 3-4 feet past the nose of the truck and I was suddenly having visions of Diego slicing legs open on those metal parts and of him trampling me in an effort to get away from the noise. The compressor noise really was painful, I couldn’t get past it without putting my fingers in my ears, which meant reins looped over my arm. Not entirely safe. I looked back at Diego, silently pleading with him to just trust me and follow me past without bolting. I ended up going by sideways, keeping an eye on him as we went. When it was Diego’s turn to pass the compressor, he took one long snort at it, lowered and arched his neck, kept his eyes on it and literally ‘stalked’ past it like a horsey equivalent to a big cat.

    I could not have been more proud or relieved once we got to the upper trail and headed away from the monstrous thing! There was a sense of partnership though, borne out of going through that, and I begin to realize it’s not just ‘doing everything right so he’ll always trust me” but just ‘going through things together’ and building that bond of life experience. I think I sheltered both of us for a time from these uncomfortable and sometimes terrifying experiences, robbing us of the knowledge that we can get through it together. 

Whew.

Writing about all this is extremely helpful. It helps me remember what I keep forgetting in life, relationships etc. It helps me keep hope and purpose in the midst of the angst and fights.

Always remember.

Recovery Conditioning for the Older Horse

In light of the fact that Diego is approaching the point where he'll be 100% rideable again (fingers crossed) I thought I would spend some time explaining my thoughts and theories that I've based my plans on for our conditioning...  First I'll explain my influences, then the specific 'plan'.

My goal since 2010 has been to build as fit, athletic and happy a horse as I can. Plain and simple - that is what I want for D. The bulk of my work with Diego to build muscle, flexibility and thus balance: is governed by basic principles of classic based dressage. In short I want to encourage proper muscle use by making it fun and/or comfortable to use the right muscle groups. I want to minimize joint and tissue damage by avoiding: "drills" / excessive repetitive motions, unbalanced, fast or otherwise harmful movement to the body that's not bio-mechanically correct. A lot of our work has been very slow & subtle (leaving alot of viewers to believe we're doing nothing at all). Doing things slowly goes against my nature as a whole, so that should give an example of how much I truly believe in what I'm doing! I've learned alot from various places during my research, but the places I keep going back to for information & encouragement are:

Art of Natural Dressage
Science of Motion
Marijke de Jong (trained by Bent Branderup)
Dr. Deb Benett
Sustainable Dressage

I also use clicker training to help me 'mark' the correct responses that help build correct movement.

Throughout everything Diego has maintained a very basic level of fitness through hand walking. Now it's time to get FIT, and build those back muscles that have been nearly non-existent for years!

 Ze Plan:

As I sit here and write this I begin to see how futile it is to come up with a rigid plan, when I know that what we ultimately do each day is subject to SO many variables! Weather, mood, physical ability etc. None the less I intend to use this as a guide.

STATIC: (used daily or nearly daily)

• Belly Lifts (using a blunt object like the handle of a hoofpick - run it up and down under your horses doral/belly button line to encourage them to lift their back. Hold for 5-10 seconds. Repeat. 5-10 reps is our goal
• Butt Tucks (use thumbs or blunt object and press lightly on either side of tailhead, squeezing together and inward, horse usually tucks their croup) I was told by my chiropractor that this exercise helps stretch out the lumbar spine especially if the horse is taken to standing hollow alot, and it also exercises/clenches the gluteal muscles.
  5-10 rep goal
• Jambettes  (fancy word for foreleg lifts) We do this with clicker training and I encourage an upright posture during lifts, because the point of the exercise is to lighten and free up the shoulders and shift is bodyweight to a more horizontal orientation, rather than a forehand-heavy orientation. Head and neck position is very important and I find it alot easier to encourage him to hold the posture himself, rather than me restrain his head with equipment. He as to be self sufficient to truly learn muscle memory!
• Neck Arches  - also called Ramener by some. I encourage D to tuck his chin slightly so that his neck becomes soft and his face his just infront of the vertical, then I ask the base of his neck to lift as high as possible.  The purpose for this is to again encourage lightness in the forehand at the halt, to gently flex the poll and most importantly to work the muscles deep in the chest at the base of the neck teaching LIFT. If the 'lift' is not there, it doesn't matter how much he raises his head - it won't accomplish what we need for lightness. I also do this by clicker training for the same purpose as the leglifts: D has to learn to use his muscles in the correct way without my physical interference: it's all about muscle memory! With this exercise I can also modify it to work different muscle groups. Sometimes I focus more on the 'lift', sometimes we work more on softness in the vertical poll flexion.

In the long run, static exercises are key in body building and all important steps to balance and collection for us, and all we need is a relatively flat space to stand and do them!

MOVEMENT: (daily and semi-daily exercises)

• Walking - obviously lots of walking is in order for fitness, no matter what. I try to get in a minimum 20 minutes of a brisk pace everyday. Preferably at this point we should be doing 1hr walks but my body just can't handle that on some days and D can just about out-walk 17h horses when he gets going!
• Shoulder-In. We are finally to the point were his hooves have healed (read: grown out) enough to handle the twisting/torque of this movement. We should be doing this everyday by now. I'm noticing big problems coming off D's rest period, he's having problems with bend and balance - inevitably too much bend=loss of balance or too little bend/stiffness. We have alot of work to do. Ideally I want a gentle bend, without a break at the base of the neck (I want the shoulders involved and lifting), slow with a steady rhythm and engaged hind legs (which usually isn't a problem for him).
• Backing. I don't understand all the mechanisms yet, but backing really works! Once D has been properly warmed up and barring any significant problems or soreness, he backs very smoothly. I generally encouraged a relaxed/lowered head position, but again his head position is not something I interfere with physically. I do NOT feel that pressure on the head (which in turn affects the entire vertebra column) is of any benefit in this movement. I usually aim for backing atleast 20-50 feet 3x per instance. You can vary it and back in circles too but we haven't mastered that yet as D's one-sidedness causes uh... directionally challenged issues. LoL
• Hill work. I had very limited success with hillwork back in 2010 and 2011 before Diego's laminitis and Cushings diagnosis'. Hills in general were very painful for him (in my ignorance I followed the advice of others and pushed him to do the work constantly) and made it ultimately miserable for both of us. Needless to say what I thought was arthritis with his inability to walk down hills comfortably turned out largely to be hoof pain or residual problems from hoof pain. This week he is fairly gliding down steep hills with more gusto than I am... o.o
  Regardless, I am currently studying studying the break down of tissues in the older horse in an online class I'm taking and I will be using extreme caution with hills to preserve the integrity of D's tendons and ligaments. That is my major concern with the hills right now. The plan is to do long, gradual slopes at a walk ONLY.
• Trotting. Another milestone in D's recovery is being able to trot comfortably again with a heel fist landing. While the lunge line is not my favorite tool for the horse with hoof problems (again: torque on hooves), we don't currently have a roundpen or arena that would allow me to turn him loose. We are currently doing sets of trot for 5 minutes each, followed by breaks. I've had to really change by habits in this dept as I was always one to push a horse for more "engagement", bigger flashier movement, etc. I felt like if they weren't moving to suit my tastes they weren't exercising the muscles at their full range of motion. This article was key in busting my little bubble... Now instead I try to accept whatever speed and engagement Diego offers me, and study it to determine how he feels, what muscle groups seem stronger, which seem weaker - and is there improvement. I look for the 'bounce' in his step: gait suspension. Funny enough, when I stop pushing and leave him alone he often finds incredible trot-suspension on his own. His natural rhythm varies from day to day though and that admittedly throws me off sometimes.

UNDER SADDLE: current & future goal is 2-4x per week
It gives me chills to even write this - we are so close! I realize I'm being so painfully careful that it's giving half my horsey friends aneurisms, but I'd rather go "too slow" than too fast.

• Sitting.  Just sitting, not doing anything else.
  I read somewhere a couple years back about the concept of 'loading the skeleton' that is allowing the horses' body to adjust to the weight of a rider first (bone, tendon, ligaments, muscle etc.) before asking for anything else. In light of D's long break from real riding this is something I'd like to try. People constantly say "Oh you can't possibly weigh anything! It won't be a problem for him!" But consider a person you know in their 60's - a parent, grandparent. Let's say they weigh about 180lbs, average build. Put a 30lb medicine ball in a backpack and ask them to stand there with it for 10 minutes or walk around the local park. Between arthritis, and age related weakness - let's be real - this is not as easy or comfortable as is made out. That does not take into account Diego's prior hoof pain.
• Walking.
  So descriptive... I know. My goal is 30 min - 1hr walks eventually (over varied terrain) or fitness. Right now though I would settle for 10 minute walks around the edge of the pasture, avoiding an steep hills. 
• Trotting.
  We won't be doing this for awhile. I feel like it's too much weight and concussion on his legs and spine. I want ample muscle built in his back first and time for his tendons and ligaments to adjust.
• Poles.
  I'm not a huge pole fan, just because I was drilled on them as a hunter and later in jumping so much. Diego was never good at them either and tended to panic and try to jump them (it was always that 4th pole that threw him over the edge of reason) which in turn made me panicky about them. They're helpful though and I think despite our former bad experiences (and maybe because of them!) we need to walk poles... ALOT.

Shortcuts

Anyone that’s a complete perfectionist shudders at that word. Often shortcuts are not without problems, either in the execution of a task OR in the final product. I’ve been turning my attention the past few days to shortcuts in riding, or horses more specifically. Two things have sparked this:

*Reading an article on Anky van Grunsven. (famous dressage Olympian for those not familiar – Google her and be prepared for a bunch of controversy)

*Reading the blogs about rollkur (again, Google, it’s a method) on the Writing of Riding site.

The writer of the blog pointed out our patterns of taking shortcuts in training to produce a faster image of dressage ‘finishedness” (collection). And how many of the methods (cruel and/or just plain frivolous) are really not the issue – taking shortcuts and impatience is the issue! The thought had never truly occurred to me. The article I read on Anky solidified that statement though, and I was shocked (I had read the article before I read the blog on rollkur).

While often the press twists words to make a viewer feel a certain emotion and thus a certain opinion regardless of whether it’s truthful and accurate I don’t believe this was the case with the Anky article. It was very pro Anky and honestly focused on her home life with the horses and her famous horse Bonfire. But amongst the glitz and glamour the article conveyed, talking about what a lavish lifestyle the horses lived and what a scheduled and dedicated life Anky and her family led in working on her riding goals, I caught a glimpse that confirms my newfound opinion on the shortcuts we take with horses.

Even Olympians are not above this.

Anky felt that turning to breeding [note I am not saying she should run a breeding stable] would be rather useless for her, as she had much rather have an already 5 or 6 year old horse that is ready to ride and suitably trainer for saddle so he “doesn’t buck her off”. While enemies of Anky might scoff at the seeming yellow-belliedness I think the more important implication is the impatience of wanting something handed to you on a silver (or maybe bronze) platter, a third of the work is already done, now she gets to put the more esteemed and revered work of strength and high level movements into the horse for the glory and rush of competition.
-No bonding from early youth with the horse – she doesn’t have time for that.
-No bonding over being the first one on it’s back – no time for that either.

It’s like saying you love children and want to raise them, but you’re not willing to spend the time with them building those crucial bonds in early stages of development. If you truly care that much about them wouldn’t YOU want to be the one to show them the way when they’re young? Heaven knows I’d rather have that than have to undo some of what someone’s already put in their head before I could work on the current issues with them…
*shakes head*

I don’t get it - and yet - I do. Impatience.


Everyone who knows me really well is smirking and raising an eyebrow at this. I’ve been pegged as a rather impatient person myself. But what good am I if I can’t overcome these faults in myself? What do I contribute to life if I continue on with them affecting everything I do and never working to change that?

So that’s my rant on impatience. I’m quoting the one main section of the article that got me but there were slight hints elsewhere that to me spoke of an impatience to ‘get the training on’ so Anky could then ‘get the competition on’. *sigh* I’m sure she loves her horses, but it’s a question of degrees – for years I loved my pony – but I loved myself and competition more. I tuned her occasional quiet protests out because I wanted the rush and thrill of competing, because I knew what was best for her, etc. We can all blindly tell ourselves we love our horses, kids, pets, spouses, etc. but when it comes down to truly listening and observing – if given another choice from what I give them now, what would they choose? That’s a question everyone should reach at some point. Even now though it makes me slightly sick to my stomach: because for me and my horse, it has meant the end of a lot of my horse and competition dreams. On the otherhand I believe it is the beginning of his own dreams that he’s never before been able to believe were possible. Until Anky, and others all over the world sit down and ask themselves if their dreams are more important than truly listening to see if the horse wants something different? They will continue to take shortcuts at the expense of the horse to reach their goals, and this cycle will continue.


On another side note – the article mentioned the horses were pampered to the extreme : their description of the care made me wonder if the article was even from a horse magazine or not because of the level of ignorance about care! Kept in stalls all day and “taken out” 3 times a day? Fed grain? Only the special/current horses being handwalked? (the rest were resigned to a hotwalker…gee how personal.) Sure they’re groomed, have plenty of human interaction etc. but what about BEING A HORSE??? Geez! Years ago I might have accepted that picture as 'pampered', but nowdays to me “pampered” means grass – space – social time with others, along with regular grooming and human interaction. What are we DOING to horses? Uhg!